Adultery: A Destructive Pursuit Of Pleasure (Part 2)
צוות iSavta | 12.11.2019
Adultery as we all know is one of the major reasons why there are countless cases of broken relationship which leads to separation or divorce. For Overseas Workers, it is often a social as well as sexual issue which became a normal trend despite of all the consequences.
To understand and come to grips with infidelity, it helps to examine the following questions in detail:
- How do people make decisions about their sexual behavior?
- What is the role of "will power" or "self-control" when it comes to infidelity?
- What makes it so difficult for men and women to be faithful?
- Why do people cheat, but then expect or demand their partners to be faithful?
- Why are some men and women more likely to cheat than others?
- What can be done to prevent infidelity?
We discussed from the last article the possible reasons why one person who is married (but far away from his spouse) can possibly allow him or herself to enter a chaotic world of a forbidden affair.
Is it the Distance, the Influence, the Money or maybe it's just lack of communication between the couple? But for whatever reason, it is still needs a deep consideration especially if you have children to protect.
There are other considerable reasons to take note why people are cheating. But, although these reasons can possibly trigger a potential cheating, you still don't know exactly why your spouse was unfaithful on you because it is possible that he or she doesn't know either.
1. Unresolved Issues - there are some Overseas Workers who went abroad who didn't fully sit down and talk about it with their spouse. Sometimes, it was a one-way decision and you didn't even truly knows what the other person feels when you left. There are also issues between the couple that they cannot resolve over telephone conversation and needs a physical presence which is quite impossible because of the distance. These issues are often ignored and the next thing you know, it became a major problem that both of you cannot find a solution.
2. Looking for excitement or passion they judge as missing in marriage (boredom) - This usually pertains to sexual needs of each individual. Because of the distance, the lack of physical intimacy often drives a married person to find someone to get intimate with. Couples therapists recognize that a couple’s sexual experience often parallels and predicts the overall relationship intimacy. When the person gets bored, he/she always find something to do and for some, it's One-Night Stand. Unfortunately, people always finds excitement in cheating or having an affair which temporarily kills their boredom.
3. What he/she don't know won't hurt him/her - This is one unfortunate thought you can let yourself believe. Nowadays, people feels like they are invincible until caught. Innocent until proven guilty they say, and they believe that they can get away with it. But, what they don't know, the consequences of their action is starting to take a toll on their clueless spouse and their children.
4. Validate manhood or womanhood and boost self esteem - Men are born polygamous as they say. They can't be contented with only one. But, one major reason why men are cheating is because they have something to prove to themselves or to others. It is not always the sexual drive. It is sometimes their Ego and opportunity to cheat that gives them a push to stray away. Women also has the same problem. It is a social notion that married women are unattractive and they tend to prove everyone wrong by having an affair with those who find them desirable. Since women are fragile, insecure and with low self-esteem, they can be persuade by wrong influence or men themselves.
5. Deap-seated unhappiness and Revenge - you'll always find people having an affair because their spouse also had an affair or abuse them. They feel angry and unhappy and they wanted to get even. Worst thing is, they always find themselves in a similar situation where they can no longer control.
6. Escapism from Daily Life - because of stressful work and maltreatment from employers, Overseas Workers often look forward to weekends when they can go out from work and meet up with friends. Routine is deadly. It can often trigger mental instability which will not give anyone any choice but to find an escape. Unfortunately for some, having an affair with someone who is married like them is one way of escaping from a daily stressful working life.
But, what really triggers the spur of the moment decisions that leads to infidelity? What types of situations influence our emotions and bring out the worst in our behavior?
- Being close or interdependent on someone other than one’s spouse
- Being around someone who is sexually interested
- Spending a lot of time one-on-one with someone else
- Not feeling close or connected to one’s spouse (e.g., feeling lonely, being upset or angry with a spouse, etc.)
- Situations that create the sense of opportunity - the feeling that one will not get caught (e.g., meeting someone in private, out of town trips, etc.).
- Situations involving alcohol or drugs
- Friend's influence or circle of friends are also doing the same
To combat Infidelity in the relationship is a two-way street. Both couple must step up and take their responsibility as two people united by the sanctity of marriage and vowed to stick together for better or for worse. But for Overseas Workers who only rely on faith and trust, to keep a relationship intact is a very difficult thing to do. It requires patience, sacrifices and even vigilance. There are countless horrible stories about broken families because of Infidelity among overseas workers and you can just imagine the effect of all these things to their children.
So, How do you maintain a happy, loving relationship despite long distances?
1. Pray - cliche as it may sound but there's no greater way to survive all the trials of marriage but to pray. In fact, pray together. If you are too far from each other, Skype is free.
2. Emphasize Love and Care despite of the Distance - being intimate doesn't have to be physical all the time. Sometimes, these demonstrations were verbal declarations of love and care.
- Find ways to share in the little day-to-day events - If couples have access to email, send an email in the morning discussing the day’s plans, and a second in the evening telling how everything went. Couples that talk nightly need to make sure to talk about how their day went and their plans for the next day. Couples with less contact can keep a diary of items that they want to share with their partner the next time they do talk. Without this, these little events will vanish from memory. Keep track of your partner’s events as well so you can ask about them and feel a part of them.
- Understand the pitfalls of talking on the telephone - Unfortunately, research shows that talking on the telephone has a number of important drawbacks. Arguments are more difficult to resolve, opinions are difficult to predict, couples feel misunderstood and attacked, and they may judge their partner as less sincere and intelligent then when talking face-to-face. Couples have to learn to pick up on subtle problems that occur while on the telephone and learn how to discriminate between problems that result from simply using the telephone and those that are more serious.
- Use technology to create intimacy - Couples in geographically close relationships create intimacy unconsciously as they chat with one another while doing other activities. This creates a feeling of “being in the world together” that is separate from the feelings shared when two people are wholly focused on one another. (www.longdistancerelationships.net)
3. Be straight forward - Some things are better left unsaid they say but, it is sometimes the cause of the bigger problems. Couple in long distance relationship often don't discuss certain issues which are crucial to the relationship because they don't have much time or they don't want to ruin one's day. If you feel angry, be angry. If you feel upset, be upset. But SAY IT. Don't hide it or postponed it. Let your spouse knows what you really feel.
4. Expect Disappointment. No marriage is perfect whether you are together or not. There will be certain things that you both need to discuss or argue about. What important is, at the end of it all, you'll both can come up with a solution that you both agreed on.
5. Learn the Art of Long Distance Intimacy - It is normal for two human beings to need a physical intimacy but it's not necessarily mean that you have to be together. Skype and messengers online are all password protected. Cameras are available in every smart phone, tablet and laptop. Find time to be alone with your spouse and be mushy and sexy. Let you spouse feel that you missed him/her and how much you wanted to be with him/her.
6. Be with your Husband/Wife - Take a vacation leave as often as you can or save a lot of money enough for you to go home for good. The moment you decided to go abroad, make "GOING HOME" your ultimate priority. Don't spend a lot of money on nonsense or useless things. Save as much as you can and go home to your family.
How To Control Yourself and Avoid Infidelity:
1. Think about the consequences of your action - This applies to those who are already involved in infidelity or to those who are still planning to do it. Do not exchange your life and your family's welfare with hours or months of temporary sexual excitement. It is not worth it. Think about your children and your spouse. How it will affect your family and the consequences when things go bad. The worst thing that can happen is when you will have a child outside marriage. You will not only ruin your family's life but also the life of another innocent child.
2. Choose your friends - It is often the influence of some peers which drives people to cheat. When you are working abroad, you usually stay with people in one flat or apartment for your weekends off. Always make a conscious effort to choose whom you want to spend your weekend with. As much as possible, surround yourself with happily married couples. Don’t drink alcohol with room mates, acquaintances, or strangers of the opposite sex. It's okay to enjoy with friends but know your limits. If you think that a certain group of people may influence your way of thinking, avoid them.
3. Communicate with your family as often as you can - If a week's workload took a toll on you and you feel that you needed something to relax, talk to your family especially to your children. Spend the whole day with them on Skype. Watch them sleep, eat, do their homework, etc.
4. Be honest with yourself about your budding attractions for other people - If you are slightly attracted to someone else, or you find yourself looking forward to the next time you’ll see them again, recognize the temptation and the danger they pose for your marriage. Do not flirt. Flirting is always sexual. Flirting is for the sole communication of your attraction to another person and should be reserved for your spouse. Each time you flirt with another person, you have taken another step towards infidelity. When someone flirts with you, discourage it and avoid that person because it is their intent to fill your need for admiration and encourage you to cheat on your spouse. All affairs begin with flirting, and there is no such thing as innocent flirtation.
5. When you suspect that someone may be attracted to you, talk to him/her about your spouse and children - Express your commitment to your family and your marriage and encourage their commitment by asking about their family as well. It’s very hard for married people to flirt when they’re discussing their children.
6. Stop paying attention to the ways that Hollywood or local teleserye romanticizes affairs and start paying attention to the news! - Look at the men and women on the news who have had their careers and lives changed because of infidelity. Look at the tragic consequences for everyone involved and start believing the facts instead of the fantasy. Affairs have the potential to create shame, disgrace and destruction no matter how long it takes for the truth to come out. (www.marriageadvocates.com)
הרשמו ומצאו מטפלים כעת!